Friday, 9 April 2010

self determination.

hello all, finally weekend :) i can post something more rather than just a quick update or photographs.

currently i'm facing a problem of again, inferiority syndrome. this one is quite acute, i've suffered from many kind of inferiority syndrome. and currently i'm trying very very hard to overcome this.

now i will do some review about my heart's condition lately.

ok, i was born in a successful family (and i really didn't mean to exaggerating or being arrogant) well, maybe not that 'successful' but extraordinary.

my father is a businessman that had begun his office since he was still in the university. my mother is a medical doctor that became a biomedical engineering lecturer, she's a super mother. my eldest sister received a scholarship for doctoral degree, she's flawless at academic. my other sister is a successful comic artist and also a good cellist. and my brother entered idola cilik, and yet a very brainy boy that plays guitar, piano, violin, sing as well as making song very well.

one of my best friend has ever asked, "do you ever feel under pressure?"
i just smiled that time.

but i really am. i am really depressed and also feel really really under pressure.

i really thank God for all of the things that He has gave to me.
i mean i'm still alive until now, my family is not poor at all. i'm thankful that my parent gave me an excellent education, from all of those favorite schools and now this university, ITB, until many of my extra lectures : english at TBI (until advanced level), violin, piano, guitar, and vocal. i am also very thankful that i have driver to pick and drop me off everywhere.

i'm also very thankful that my family is supportive to my hobby, and they bought me all of the equipment : violin, pick up, wireless, books, international examinations, and stuffs.

i also have a great band named Angsa dan Serigala, a good wedding trio named klabklassik string trio, i can sing a bit and produce money, and also i can compose several songs. i'm thankful God.
i'm very thankful.

but well.

i'm trapped in stagnancy. HELP!

when i didn't achieve much and being stagnant all the time, i'm feeling really really down.
i really feel that i'm wasting all of my resources.
and i'm drowning even and even more.

when my surroundings is sparkling and shining, i just can't help feeling hurt and jealous (not forget to mention, my best friends are also successful and extraordinary. they're just too good to be true)

i also want to be a star, a super achiever like them.

and also some other things bothered me, i don't know if i'm a good social person or not. i don't really like to spend too much time at campus and doing organization stuffs. i'd rather be at home doing something or practicing something or STUDYING something. to prevent my GPA from falling freely.
i think that organization's experience doesn't always have to be obtained from campus.

i mean, i'm doing some organization also out there. i learn to make events in klabklassik, i also learn to deal with older people, mature people for business purpose. For example i have to deal and do some agreement with client as klabklassik string trio, offering wedding entertainment
so is this wrong? do i have to be like most of the people? does my difference is a big fault?

i don't know.
i don't know whether my behavior is healthy or not.

i have too many questions in my head right now.


ok that's all for the sad and pathetic and annoying part.

i'm just.. doing some review of my heart's condition lately, right? i know i'm being very very emo. please forgive me. i just need to write this down.

but well? what can i do?
if i stop here and feel pathetic all the time, than i will be more and more and more pathetic than this.

and now i'm trying to do my baby steps toward my dream star. to do everything as best that i can. to be thankful in every God's decision for me.

to study more, to maintain my score, to practice violin. not to waste more time and resources. to smile more. to laugh more. to be thankful. to be meaningful. to be something. to be a star. to be beneficial for other people. to be strong. to be patient. not to be panic and full of anger. to be a good friend. to be a good daughter. to be a good sibling. to strive hard. to reach my goal. to shine like my dream star. to be successful.

this gonna take a long way. and a long and hard and bumpy struggle.
but someday i'll shine. someday i'll shine. someday i'll shine.

please kindly leave your comments. i really need a supportive comments and critics.
i want to be a better and succesful girl.


Anonymous said...

Just open up your heart and let the sunshine in..

that day will surely come.. :)

Satriya Adhiguna said...

nothing wrong with your behaviour, nothing at all fa
in fact, i envy you for all of what you've done
i mean, aku cuman kerjaannya main mulu dan berteman sana sini, jarang banget mikirin hal-hal akademis
tapi kamu bisa mengimbangi antara akademis dengan kegiatan musik kamu
dan aku yakin, banyak orang yg pengen kaya kamu tapi gabisa

minomino said...

you know what?you're so lucky darl :)
being different is such a great decision :)
i used to dreaming for being a violinist, but what could i say...
another something bigger wait me there...
reach everything with your heart, then you will definitely shine :)

thx for coming :)

afifaayu said...

hey guyys makasih ya comment2nyaa :) ehhe jadi tidak terlalu sedih lagii :D

putri said...

what makes someone succeed is not only hard work, focus, or luck. identity is on the top list. you can't be succeed by copying someone because they'll always be better. you can't compare yourself to others too, 'cos everyone has their own way to be succeed

afifaayu said...

hehe thank you mbak putri. belajaar untuk seperti itu :)

Helena Prihastuti said...

ga salaaah fifa.. menurutku kamu itu multi talented.. orang hebat yang tidak sekedar ikut arus, tapi mebuat arus sendiri.. kamu orang yang kukagumi loh.. kamu harus banyak bersyukur fifa karena banyak orang yang tidak seberuntung kamu. :)

afifaayu said...

Heleeen peluuuk.iya waktu nulis ini lg labil banget hehehe.doaiin aja ya helen biar kita sama2 g labil dan terus berjuang untuk mencapai suksees amiiin :)

Peluuk >:D<