Saturday, 21 January 2012

here we go again :)

oh hello! seems like i haven't written anything on this blog for.. almost 1 year (the last post was on 26th of january 2011 and now it is 21st of january 2012.

well many things has happened in the past one year. my life is great, really great.
academic thing is still going fine, my band and my music career is superb, my band has just launched its first album, i'm still doing my wedding singer chores plus now recording for some project plus collaborating with my fellow musician. now i'm teaching violin plus owning an online cake shop, which gives me a considerable amount of cash :p

but when it comes to love. well i just can say that i'm still unfortunate.

lucky me, my past lover the 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' is totally gone right now.

it took me 3 years and 5 months, 6 stupid it's complicated status, 1 sincere yet heart wrenching telenovela-like relationship (that i suppose until now is my TRUE love), and 1 salvation + a bit foolish but sweet relationship (i suppose until now is my second candidate of true love and my first candidate of the MOST SINCERE relationship)
well it took that much effort to get rid of him, i think he put a spell on me :p

well, but now i want to tell you about my a bit foolish but sweet relationship, the second candidate of true love and the first candidate of the most sincere relationship.

well, it just has ended (approximately 3 hours ago)
It was really short (in my parameter), 2 months and 14 days. at first it was like a fairy tale but well, in the end it was not a fairy tale, but it taught me a loads of thing :)
i learn about compromise, commitment, understanding, patience and incredibly loads of thing in such a short time.

me and my ex were totally different in everything. i want a cinderella-like relationship, and he's (later on found out to be) as cold as an iceberg. i am an attention seeker + attention giver while he loves to spend his time alone, well a bit self centered sometimes. we have opposite personality, the old-fashioned cancer against the liberty loving aquarius. but we share (i believe up to now) one simple yet sweet sincere love.

he was the cute looking teddy bear guy, my band's friend introduced to me at Gedung Indonesia Menggugat Event. a good photographer and videographer with charming tone color, he really got the talent. a cute guy with a red shirt that shyly ask to take my picture at Kick Fest 2011. a cute guy that pretended to know about Hepatitis Viruses, PCR plus claiming that he love life science when he approach me.

the first month was easy and loving. but then.. it was not as easy as i thought. he began to give me less and less and less attention. being very ignorant and childish and stubborn. I first react as stubborn and bloody-minded as his attitude, i went mad, angry, and super emotional towards him. i scolded him and forbid him to do things that i dislike. i disturbed him by keep bbm/ym/texting him when he work or hang out until midnight with his friend.

but i really wanted the things to work well, to last. i changed my attitude totally. i became more understanding and more cautious. i seek for attention less, i tried to be more independent, stop being a crybaby and i let him to do anything he want. we had a quite difficult time but still loving.

and i went to a trip to Europe and things became irregular. i could see how he has lost the passion of loving me and missing me. i tried harder to salvage the sinking ship but he does nothing. and the entire last week, i was being emotional again, well, i was really desperate. but then finally we talked and it end.

a time apart is what we need right now.
Love is still there but the passion is currently missing.
i really appreciate him to be open and also to accept the fact that he did fatal mistakes to this relationship. i don't think many boy would do that due to their 'pride'
now, i don't have to have too much tiring thoughts about his everyday's ignorance like : 'kenapa ga bbm ya?' 'kenapa ya kok ngetweet tapi bbm aku ga dibalas?' 'kemana dia, kok aku ga dikabarin?' 'oh God, masih sayang ga ya ini orang sama aku kok lepas tangan sekali?'
and he's good to finally release me from that fatiguing thoughts by letting me free.

now i'm trying to understand that right now he need a time alone to develop himself to be a better man. at least, he has to be able to stand on his own feet before trying to be a man for his loved woman right?
i am a bit relieved that one big burden has been lifted up from my shoulder.


one thing i believe, that our love was sincere.
aparts from all of the differences, we've survived and we spent some happy time. and i learn about commitment from him. there were times when i am really tired of him, but then i know the relationship and the love for him is more important. so i changed my attitude and try to salvage it.
you can't expect those romantic love will last forever right? i guess, the time when i try to understand and fight more instead of being childish and ignorant is the time when i learn a sincere love, a more mature form of love :)

and i believe that always loving someone else sincere will bring you eventually to a sincere love in the end :) i don't know who will be there in the end, it might be him, it might be other guy. it's up to You, dear Allah :)
but you're always around i know. loving and giving affection not in a romantic way.

Dear Andi Syarif, for now, we may not walk together holding hands.
but we're walking together side by side.
if God permits maybe someday in the future you will again gently take my hand & never let it go!
and i'm asking you to sing this lyric out loud, i guess this part is our favorite!

'Berjalanlah bersamaku, berjalanlah bersamaku!'

with love

Afifa Ayu Koesoema, Marmut <3